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Tuesday, September 6th, 2005

Time:6:30 am.

3,000 sangsing

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004

Time:11:19 pm.

I think the idea of this is to do it annonymouslyegednkje.. however you spell it. But if you don't want to deal with the hassle, don't! It's quite fun, I thought. So be like Nike; J U S T D O I T < check >

01. Tell me a secret.
02. Give me a compliment.
03. Say something bad about me.
04. Write me a love note.
05. Lyrics from a song that remind you of me.
06. How old are you?
07. How long have we been friends?
08. How well do we know each other?
09. Give me a hint, so I can try to figure out who you are.
010. Anything else you'd like to say?

6,000 sangsing

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

Time:4:22 pm.
This entry might not make any sense to anyone, but that's okay. I don't need it to make sense to you---I need it to make sense to me. Maybe not even make sense as much as it is; I need to get this off my chest. I need somewhere to write this down. And what better place then my journal? And it involves God. I'm only telling you that so you can go ahead and skip over it now if you like rather then reading a paragraph down and seeing His name and rolling your eyes. I don't want to waste your time.

I'm not sure how long or how short this is going to be, but I'm not putting it under a cut because, well, simply said; I don't care what you think. You thoughts are much appriciated and you know I love every one of them, but when it comes down to it---my thoughts are my thoughts. They belong to me, not you---that why I have them and you don't.

That being said;

James 2:19 (( NIV ))
"You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that---and shudder."

That verse plays over and over in my head. I think I'm going through this time in my life where God is trying to make me learn things.

Before, when I had my church leaders, they would tell me what to think and when to think it---what to do and when to do it. I couldn't think for myself and if I did, I was told I was in rebellion. I have such a hated, tainted mentality of God right now. I'm always thinking He hates me... I'm always thinking I disappoint Him and that I never do anything that pleases Him. Which isn't true, I don't believe. I believe God's happy with me every time I open my Bible to read about Him or every time I sing to Him. But after it's done, I feel like I've gotten no where and that God doesn't even care.

So why do I keep believing in Him when I feel like He doesn't believe in me?

That's simple; I love Him. I don't care if He hates me; I'll take Him anyway I can get Him.

But I'm getting off track...

Even the demons believe in God and they shudder.

It's not enough to just believe in God. You have to live for Him... and that means giving everything over to Him... music, love, my personal time, my passions. If I give them to Him, He's going to give me back things that are perfected... And maybe they'll be the same loves---maybe He'll give me back music, but maybe He won't. Maybe He'll give me something ever greater---something I could never imagine.

But the thing is, I have to find these things out for myself. No one can tell them to me... No one can show them to me. I have to find them out for myself. I think that's why my life is so rough right now... God is breaking me of this... cult-mentality that my leaders literally had me bound with and He's trying to show me freedom. He's trying to show me that it doesn't matter who my mentor is---who my cell leader is---who my friends are... The only thing that matters is Him. The only way I can learn is to listen to Him. The only way I can get anywhere in life is by obeying Him.

I wasn't do that before June 2004. And to be honest, in some areas of my life, I still don't do it.

Before then, I was obeying what my leaders told me---they told me who I couldn't date and who I could, yet instilled into us that dating was horrible and we would surely go to Hell if we dated. Which isn't true, just so you know... "Dating" is just a term. It's your actions. If you're young, yeah you're dern right you shouldn't be alone with a guy. But as you get older, things change. Not saying you and him should go to some apartment alone or whatever... but going out to eat and on dates like that---dates. But that's not the point.

I think I'm having to find out for myself what does and doesn't work with God. Before, my leaders would tell me---and it wasn't ever real to me because I didn't live through it. The only way to ever experience a real.. eye-opening revelation is to go through it yourself. And that's what's happening right now.

I'm learning the difference between freedom and sin... between love and hate... between right and wrong.

God's making Himself real to me in His own way.

Hitting rock bottom is what it took for God to get my attention. And I know today He only has half of it, but my heart is always tuned to Him. Even when I'm doing something wrong, I can still hear Him talking to me---telling me I'm doing it wrong... I can still feel Him and feel how grieved He is.

I'm not talking about going out and partying and having sex and.. cursing and everything.

Sin is sin to different people... Sure, there's the basic no-no's... but once you form a relationship with God; once you start going deeper in God, He starts to demand things from you that He wouldn't mention to someone who just started living for Him. "Sin" in general is just disobeying God, no matter what it is.

I'm not talking about the basic sins... I'm talking about my life-style... what I do during the day, what I watch, what I listen to.. what I think.

I know my life isn't where God wants it to be, but I know it's going to get there one day. I don't know if it'll be tomorrow or five years from now, but I can't stop believing in Him no matter what anyone tells me. There's no way I can turn around now---I'm in too deep. I love Him too much and He's too real to me to just deny Him. I would live every single day of my life knowing that He's real... knowing that I lied by denying Him.. and I just can't do that.

So who knows what tomorrow holds, but today... I'm still His little girl that He cries for. I'm still His little girl that's got a few rebellious attitudes. I'm still His little girl that runs away from home every now and then... but the point is; I'm still His little girl.

And I always will be, no matter where I am, what I'm doing, who I've become... I'll still go back to always being His little girl.

Rock BottomCollapse )

Run AwayCollapse )

Weak EnoughCollapse )

4,000 sangsing

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Time:9:44 pm.
< begin super emotional I-need-a-shoulder-to-cry-on tangent >

Nobody in this world understands what I'm going through right now. I think there's only one person who understands the emotional torement going on in my life right now, and she seemingly dropped off the face of the planet. Well, that's not fair to say. We just haven't talked in quite some time.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it was killing you inside?

Well, that's what it's like with me towards God. I love Him so incredibly much that it's literally hurting me. I would do anything for Him... He's the sole person who's been there for my entire life and never left my side. He's the only person who's truly "had my back" through everything. Not once has He ever gossiped about me or stabbed me in my back... which, unfortunately isn't something I can say about my so-called "friends."

Do you think it's natural for a 5-year-old to be playing outside in the backyard and not hear her mother screaming for her own life inside the house?
No, that was God placing His hands over my---and my brothers---ears so that we didn't hear that sound every night we laid down to go to sleep; so that we didn't have to live with that for the rest of our lives.

Do you think it's coincidence that after I was sexually molested between the ages of 6 and 9 by another female, my mom just decides to up and move when she didn't find out until a month ago that it happened?
No, that's God removing me from New Orleans so that it didn't happen again.

You think it's just coincidence that I was never able to kill myself? That starving myself and occasionally making myself throw up never landed me in the hospital? That no matter how much I cut myself, nothing ever happened to me?
No, that's God watching out for my life. That's Him making sure I'm okay.

So why am I so horrible to Him?

Oh my God, that kills me... It kills me to know that after everything He's done in my life, I still do things that don't make Him happy. There's not one day that goes by that I'm just completely His.

I give in too easily. I never stand up for myself. I let the enemy run all over me.

Why? I don't know.

How do I stop it? Read my Bible? Pray? What if I do all of those things and it still happens? Is there some higher level that I'm supposed to be going to? Is there some secret to "overcoming" that God's trying to tell me---but the noise in my head keeps drowning out His whispering voice?

When is it going to stop?

When am I going to be able to look in the mirror and not cry because I don't see a 500 lb. whale? That's literally what I see every day of my life. That's what I feel.

When is it going to stop?

When am I not going to be messed up?

Why am I going through this?!

Why does no one seem to care?! Is God trying to teach me to rely only on Him? After all, He is the only person that can truly help me.

But why hasn't He stepped in yet?

Or has He stepped in, and I'm just too blinded by the enemy to see His hands?

Why does it feel like this is never going to end?

Lord, bless me like You blessed Job. You stripped him of everything he ever had and blessed him over and abundantly, more than he could ever ask for! When are You going to bless me?! When do I get to taste Your presence again?! Save me, God! Don't let the enemy overcome me! Rise up inside and take control of my life!

Help me! Don't just sit back!

I'm so tired of being this way!

< /end super emotional I-need-a-shoulder-to-cry-on tangent >
11,000 sangsing

Friday, August 13th, 2004

Time:1:08 pm.
6,000 sangsing

Sunday, July 18th, 2004

Time:5:36 am.
just lost another "friend" or whatever. Let's be honest, tho, how many people in this world claim to be your friend but aren't really?

All over a very stupid matter, too.

But don't curse me out when I had nothing to do with anything and expect me to be okay with it.

I'm sorry...
7,000 sangsing

Sunday, June 27th, 2004

Time:5:56 pm.
My computer's messed up and... yeah. I'm at my friend Kelli's house to update this. She has no space bar. It's really hard to type.


My dad is going to help me get a new one...somehow. He has a good used one he can give me... but he was talking about buying a new one.


I have been bawling my eyes out since 4 am. This has been the hardest two months of my life... ever. I just found out today my other leader is gone... well, not GONE gone... but she's stepped down out of leadership. So both of my leaders have left... I lost someone I thought was a great friend of mine... my relationship with God has been horrible... and so when my computer screwed up, I lost it.

Seriously... cried and cried and cried and I'm still crying. I won't be done for a long time.

All of my songs are like... gone.

Yeah.... Someone fix me.
7,000 sangsing

Monday, June 21st, 2004

Time:10:18 pm.
I don't care if you're Christian or not.. but just read this and look how awesome it is.

"O Lord, You have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
you know my every thought when far away.
You chart the path ahead of me
and tell me where to stop and rest.
Every moment you know where I am.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
You both precede and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to know.

I can never escape from your spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to Heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the place of the dead,
you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night---
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are both alike to you.

You made all my delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
You workmanship is marvelous---
and how well I know it!
(( New King James Version says;
' I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. ' ))
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!
They are innumerable!
I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up in the morning,
You are still there!"

~Psalm 139:1-18

I loooooooooove that!! Argh!
3,000 sangsing

Time:9:30 pm.
are you a child of the 90's?Collapse )
2,000 sangsing

Tuesday, June 15th, 2004

Time:12:30 am.
I... feel the need to share this. Because... it makes me cry... every time. It makes my soul scream... I mean, seriously... I listen to it and my spirit is screaming... I bawl my eyes out... And so.. I'm going to.

The other day, I turned it on and I was driving and the second it came on, I looked up at there was this most beautiful red/purple/pink/orange sunrise in the entire world... Which sounds so cliche... but.. It really was amazing. I drove around longer to look at it. And it just... made me believe God. It was just.. beautiful. And God wanted me to see it... and I was just like "God... you would create something that beautiful just for me to see?"

And I knew He was real... I just knew it...

Anyways.. here's the song;

Faith Like That

I have read about the days of old
about the men who followed you
and how they saw the supernatural
and became the chosen few

so i come before you now
tearing off my earthly crowns
for this one thing i have found

i want a faith like that
to see the dead rise
or to see you pass by
oh, i...
i want a faith like that
whatever the cost
i'll suffer the loss
oh, i...
i want a faith like that

i'm not looking for a miricale
signs and wonders or things thereof
i caught a glimpse of what you want from me
and what i have is not enough

i read the story one more time
of those who gave to you their lives
with no fear or compromise

i want a faith like that
to see the dead rise
or to see you pass by
oh, i..
i want a faith like that
whatever the cost
i'll suffer the loss
oh, i..

i want a faith that can move any mountain
and send them to the sea
i want a faith that break every stronghold
that keeps you, that keeps you from me

i want a faith like that
to see the dead rise
or to see you pass by
oh, i..
i want a faith like that
whatever the cost
i'll suffer the loss
oh, i..
i want a faith like that
3,000 sangsing

LiveJournal for justasong_bird.

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